Trans women are incredibly diverse in their bodies and experiences with the body. Avoid making assumptions about the parts of her body that she does not want touched, such as the back or genitals.
It is also inappropriate to compliment her in ways that objectify her. For example, saying “You look great” is not a compliment.
1. Know Yourself
Trans women often face discrimination and stereotypes about their bodies, so it is important that you learn more about them. You can start by using their correct pronouns and avoiding the assumption that they should conform to cis gender norms.
Many trans people will want to disclose their transgender identity in the context of a relationship, but it’s their choice when and how they do so. Avoid asking personal questions about their medical history or genitals; it’s invasive and could be hurtful.
It’s also important not to assume that all trans women will want to have sex immediately. Many have reported that being sex objectified or having their sex desires dismissed by strangers has a negative impact on their mental wellbeing. Support her to find sexual pleasure in ways that feel right for her.
2. Have Her Back
Having her back means being supportive of your partner’s learning about trans identities and gender diversity, including culture. It can also mean accessing mental health support or relationship counselling, and building a supportive community in your life.
Avoid putting pressure on your trans partner to look hyper-feminine or meet outdated gender stereotypes. Many trans women report being objectified by others for their appearance, expression and voice, as well as their bodies.
It’s important to remember that she is a woman and that this doesn’t have anything to do with your sexuality. Don’t objectify her by making comments about her body, and don’t make assumptions about when she will or won’t have sex. Also, be wary of men who loop – repeated cycles of shallow engagement where they treat you as an object of erotic fetish, rather than as a human being.
3. Be Honest
Many trans women experience high rates of discrimination, abuse and violence. They may be reluctant to disclose their transgender status or history to friends and family, especially in the early stages of a relationship.
Ask your partner if they’d like to share information about their transition and their experiences. If they’d rather keep it private, respect that too. Having to explain their gender and body can be very distressing and uncomfortable.
Some trans people experience discomfort with certain parts of their bodies, which can be called body dysphoria. They may not want you to touch those areas, including their genitals. If you’re unsure, ask them or consult objective resources about how trans people experience their bodies. Consent must be given freely, so never force your date to participate in a behaviour they don’t feel comfortable with.
4. Be Flexible
As with any relationship, you will learn new things about your partner over time. Some will be minor, but some may change the course of your whole relationship.
Obviously, this could include sexual orientation or gender identity. But it could also mean interests and hobbies, or if they want to take up a different sport.
If your date is a trans woman, then she should be treated just like any other female you’d go out with. This means not using impolite terms, and talking about typical dating topics. This will prevent you from accidentally stepping on any toes, and avoiding any discussions that might make her uncomfortable. Hopefully this is obvious, but if not, then just ask her what they’re comfortable with. She’ll be happy to explain!
5. Be Safe
Many trans women report feeling fetishised by men who desire them solely because they are transgender. Similarly, many trans women of colour from different cultural backgrounds experience multiple objectification because of their skin colour or race. This may be experienced as racial or sexual racism and can prevent people from seeing someone’s authentic whole self.
Ask your date if they’d prefer to not be touched on certain parts of their body, such as the back, chest or genitals. Some transgender women have dysphoria around certain areas of their bodies and may wish to avoid them for medical or personal reasons.
It’s important to remember that consent is essential and must be actively given, not assumed. Be sure to check in throughout sex and never touch any part of the body that your date doesn’t give permission to.